“Wisdom for Wealth. For Life.” Episode 40: Seasons of Marriage & Money: Adult Children, Grandkids, and In-Laws
“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” – Hebrews 12:1-2
Young families are often scarce on both money and time, struggling with their career and childrearing responsibilities. Their parents can be valuable resources for wisdom, strength, and support – yet families must be intentional about establishing healthy dynamics. It’s helpful to tap into insights and encouragement from those who have successfully weathered those seasons and understand more about what it takes to ‘finish well’ from a biblical perspective.
Blue Trust Advisor Marshall Potter recently talked with Karen and Crawford Loritts and Julie and Russ Crosson about how they’re applying generosity, intentionality, open communication, and humor to approach their current season of life that includes adult children, grandkids, and in-laws.
Family Time and Traditions
After children have grown up and established independent lives, sometimes across substantial distances, the desire for family connection frequently plays out through high expectations during the holiday season. It can be challenging for parents who have adult children to respect their kids’ autonomy. “You can’t demand a relationship; you have to build the relationship,” Russ says. “We need to honor them and give them the freedom to build their own traditions.”
The Lorittses and Crossons advise having a flexible attitude, taking the pressure off young, working parents, and looking for other ways throughout the year to create memories. “We’ve created experiences like ‘Cousin Camp’ and family gatherings at the lake that give us a time to be together apart from the holidays,” Russ says. Crawford shares that the family has built traditions and rituals centered on their unique values. “When each of our grandsons turned 13, I gave them the Bible that I preached through and had my devotions in.” Karen adds, “I do my own special things with the girls in the family too. Sometimes, it’s just sending a card with a little cash to let them know I’m thinking of them.”
Financial Resources and Strengthening Family Relations
Couples who are in retirement often have accumulated enough financial resources to provide some assistance to their adult children, yet it’s advisable to do so without spoiling or enabling them. “You don’t want to make gifting decisions simply because they make sense on paper from an estate or tax planning standpoint. Your kids shouldn’t depend on financial gifts or come to expect anything from you,” Russ says.
Julie adds, “We had a family meeting and told the boys and their wives about our 40-year spiritual and financial history because they needed to see all the places God showed up. They didn’t realize the times when we were at a loss and things were dire. The reality is we’ve come through a lot of wilderness and struggles, and we’re grateful for where God has brought us. It was eye-opening for them.”
The Crossons also mention that you want to reserve the right to be extravagantly generous and bless them by surprising them with different amounts at different times.” For example, using money for family experiences – whether it’s through wise investments in vacation properties, travel, Family Life weekends, or other creative uses of financial resources – can have payoffs in terms of ‘posterity investments’ for the generations to come.
Estate Planning and Giving
When it comes to estate planning, older couples must consider their overarching goals for blending current giving with deferred giving. Having an open and transparent family conversation is one of the most valuable things that parents can do with adult children. “This is a harsh reality, but I tell people that we all have an ‘expiration date,’ and there’s for sure going to be a meeting. It’s just a question of whether you will be present and alive for the meeting,” Russ says. “Talk to your adult children and their spouses about your estate, your values, and your goals. It’s impossible to overcommunicate about these things.”
For families concerned about whether they’re on track to finish well, having an advisor for accountability is a good place to start. Otherwise, important conversations may never happen on their own. “My advice is to get some help and accountability, make a plan, work the plan, and see what God will do,” Crawford says
Blue Trust advisors stand prepared to help families navigate these important conversations about money and values. If you would like help with estate planning or making sure you’re on track for a financially healthy retirement, please reach out to us at 800.987.2987 or email blog@bluetrust.com. We also have a financial finish line calculator that you can check out HERE.
“You can’t demand a relationship; you have to build the relationship.”
– Russ Crosson
In our “Wisdom for Wealth. For Life.” podcast series, we share financial advice and wisdom from our network of wealth advisors, thought leaders in the industry, and our community of over 10,000 financially blessed families who apply biblical wisdom to their financial planning and giving.
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